a small step out, a giant step in

it was ward temple night yesterday and instead of being surrounded by young single adults i knew, i found myself in a sea of twelve year olds. i was disappointed and admittedly scared that i was on my own, but now i'm grateful for the experience. that might have been the very first time (at least that's what my memory tells me) that i have attended the temple by myself. i'm not sure why i waited eleven years to go alone, i think i just always had someone to go with. it was a small step out of my comfort zone (being alone in my room i like, being alone anywhere else i hate) but it was also a giant step in.

when people ask me about my plans to serve a mission i wonder why it is i'm going and if i really should. for the longest time the only answer i had was because heavenly father wants me to. i denied, ignored, and pushed aside that "serve a mission" revelation, and only after he had reminded me for the millionth time did i finally accept that this is where my life was heading. serving for 18 months will be a giant step out of my comfort zone, but last night's small step gave me a little insight. i realized that it's not as scary as i thought, that i'm never really alone, and that serving and loving others is what life is all about.

while i'm going because heavenly father wants me to, i'm also going because i love him, i love the gospel, and i want to share that same joy with others. i might not know the scriptures or doctrine very well, but i do know that the church of jesus christ of latter-day saints is the true church and that it was restored to the earth by the prophet joseph smith. i know that the book of mormon is the word of god, families can be together forever, and we are blessed with modern day prophets that guide us today. i know that prayers are heard and answered and that temples are a sacred sanctuary in our ever worsening world. i know that we are all children of a loving heavenly father, who personally knows us, and we can return to live with him again if we but keep the commandments and utilize the atonement. i know that christ died for me and i truly stand all amazed. i know that the holy ghost comforts me, guides me, and helps me know that things are all true and worth sharing.

i feel like i just barely slid my foot into that i'm going because i want to go answer, but barely is where great beginnings take place. this is the answer i've been wanting to say but unsure of for so long; i'm serving a mission because i want to. i know it will be hard, i know i will miss out on life events at home, but i know that if only one person accepts the gospel because of me it will all be worth it. all this came from attending the temple by myself, all this was an answer to my prayers.

a mighty band of youth

my favorite part of general conference, the part that really spoke to me, wasn't even technically a part of conference. it wasn't a song, wasn't an announcement, it wasn't even a talk. instead, it was a program that aired between the sessions on sunday: a mighty band of youth. it was about missionary work, it was about my future. it was sort of a kick in the pants from heavenly father, reminding me what the plan is and motivating me to get those papers filled out and turned in. i cried, took some notes, and recommitted to the future path i never saw myself taking. i feel blessed to be a part of this missionary wave, and blessed to be trusted by a heavenly father who believes in me and my testimony. i feel nervous, as most pre-missionaries do, but after watching that program i felt a little more prepared for this life changing mission ahead of me.

even when you're alone, you need to stand up for what is right. look in the mirror and see yourself as a missionary. have virtue in mind when reading the book of mormon. just remember who you are and what the lord expects you to do. sisters give missionary work new power. although you may be away from family, you will be a part of a team... the lord's team. the home needs to become an MTC.

what i wish i'd known

most of you already know that after i graduate this year i will be serving a mission for the church of jesus christ of latter-day saints. the majority of my doubts and fears can be grouped into one category: self-doubt. john bytheway's book has helped me battle that self-doubt and given me insight into the missionary world i will soon enter. i learned a lot from him and his experiences as a missionary. it's an easy read with lots of stories, scripture references, and a great deal of mission prep advice. i'm grateful for my visiting teacher, a returned missionary herself, who recommended this book. if any of you are preparing to serve a mission, i highly suggest you read what i wish i'd known before my mission.

just a few things i have learned: be bold, but not overbearing. everything you do, everything, leaves an impression. radiate the message you have - it is more than words, it's appearance, stride, and manner. companionship in the mission field will prepare you for eternal companionship in the future. the most important part of your wardrobe will be the badge you wear. people don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care. offer the world a good heart and helping hand.

“let your minds be centered on your missions and labor earnestly to bring souls to christ” – brigham young

things i have learned over the past few months

the voluntary service of women in the mission field is valuable and most welcome. sister missionaries that serve are stunningly successful, they are enthusiastically welcomed into the mission field.

school is considered an important consideration for timing with missions.

you must enhance, improve & take more seriously your pre-mission planning. study, study, study! attend institute, attend mission prep classes, study preach my gospel.

time at the MTC will be reduced, you must prepare yourself before entering.

god is hastening his work, he needs more & more willing and ready missionaries to spread the life, truth & hope of salvation to the world.

prepare by personal worthiness and more cleanliness.

study diligently to know what you will teach. we want you to teach from the first day onward.

your life will be shaped & nourished.

the only real preparation and spirit of authorization happens from heaven.

god loves you, is aware of you, and knows your name, knows your call and your mission field, knows your companion, knows your mission president. he knows the lessons you’re going to have and the challenges you’re going to face.

if it was right when you prayed about it and trusted it and lived for it, it is right now.

don't give up when the pressure mounts. don't give in. certainly don't give in to that being who is bent on the destruction of your happiness. he wants everyone to be miserable like unto himself. face your doubts. master your fears. cast not away therefore your confidence. stay the course and see the beauty of life unfold for you.
– elder jeffrey r. holland, cast not away therefore your confidence

you don’t know everything, but you know enough... you know god loves you. that priceless piece of spiritual knowledge will replace fear with faith.

faith is not only a feeling, it is a decision. choose faith.

a testimony is to be found in the bearing of it.

read the book of mormon again, keeping in mind the idea that you will be teaching it to others.

begin praying now for the people you will serve and the companions you will have.

you will succeed in this work. you will succeed at this work because it is god’s to do, and all you have to do is say, “here, use me. take me. he’ll do the work and he’ll give you the words to say and the language to say it and the testimony to bear and the places to go and the doors to knock on and the people to inquire of on the street. he’ll do all of that if you will pledge to live by the spirit and be obedient and testify by the holy ghost and do the work his way. this is his work. he will do it, but he’s got to have an obedient and spiritually hungry missionary! – elder holland, the miracle of a mission.

start fast, run hard… you can rest later.

every day and every way it will get better! that doesn’t necessarily mean that it will get easier, but it will get better.

written january 6, 2013 :: i have never been very good at fasting, but today i tried. i really tried. i prayed before church asking heavenly father to let me know i am loved and once again remind me that i need to serve a mission. PRAYERS ARE HEARD AND PRAYERS ARE ANSWERED. love was often talked about during testimonies today, and missions were mentioned too. the this is it, this is the lord speaking to me moment arrived with the closing hymn. we sang hymn number 263 "go forth with faith." the words were screaming SERVE A MISSION to me. forget the fears, forget your own faults and serve with faith. i was contemplating taking a mission prep institute class (fears once again), but as soon as i looked at the schedule and saw who teaches the class i knew it was a tender mercy and a message from god. brother case is teaching and it just so happens he is one of my favorite institute teachers at the u.

your mission is not your mission, it is the lord's.

five facts, one revelation

i wasn't really planning on playing that five facts instagram game. just like i wasn't really planning on sharing the big news yet, it sort of just happened. before i knew it the pictures were taken, the words were written, the publish button was pressed, and the news was out. it is now publicly known that in a few months you'll be calling me sister rowley, i'll be serving a mission for the church of jesus christ of latter-day saints. back in october i mentioned a change of plans. although i kept things vague, i was certainly moving my mind and actions towards that untold reality. slowly but surely the lord's plans fell into place. it's as if this announcement was one of the final steps, telling you makes it as real as real can get. i have had and continue to have plenty of fears, but more empowering than those fears are the feelings of peace and positivity. i know this is what i should be doing, which is precisely why i'm doing it. as a member of the church of jesus christ of latter-day saints, i have a responsibility to share this beautiful gospel with others. i have the opportunity to diligently do so for 18 months. i have a lot more to say and share, but for now i leave you with the big & exciting news; the life-changing-i'm-going-to-serve-a-mission news.