I had a really good personal study this morning. I was reading in Ether chapter two, about the brother of Jared being chastised for not remembering the Lord and praying to Him. The verse that really stood out to me was verse 17, which is cool because it's one of those verses that doesn't normally stand out. It's about the barges, and doesn't have any of those cool one liners that everyone knows and loves in the scriptures. It was the word "tight" that got me. It's repeated in that single verse five times. I decided to look up the word on my ipad and discovered some definitions that I really liked... well sealed against something and also having close relations. I started to think about how we want to be well sealed from the world and the influences of Satan. I love that the verse talks about being sealed on all sides and how essential it is for us to be sealed in every aspect of our lives. I also loved the obvious reference to being close to Heavenly Father. I also thought about my family and those here that I love so much and how we can all be unified together in our purpose and direction, just like the brother of Jared and his family. I so love these stories here at the end of The Book of Mormon. I love how we learn that Heavenly Father doesn't give us the answer to everything, but instead He trusts us enough to try things on our own. I also really loved verse 25 of that same chapter, "And behold, I prepare you against these things; for ye cannot cross this great deep save I prepare you against the waves of the sea, and the winds which have gone forth, and the floods which shall come." Even though a mission was never my plan, I know that Heavenly Father prepared me to be one. I also know that being here is preparing me for the future, for the things I want most in life. I'm reminded of my favorite scripture, Helaman 5:12, and how we're told that it's only a matter of time when Satan throws at us his whirlwinds of trials, challenges, and temptations. It's not an IF it's a WHEN.
These past couple of days have been really good for me. I feel like I'm finally reaching that point where I'm ready to fully devote
myself. Took me long enough. We had such a great zone training Tuesday and I think that's where the devotion stemmed from. Elder Tavana and elder Hansen are so great, they put together a zone training workshop that was just so good. We started by sitting in the gym, thinking about the regrets we've had on our mission thus far, and boy do I have a lot. Sometimes it's hard to not let those regrets plague you as a missionary. I often worry about how I will feel at the end of my mission. Will I be grateful that I endured and now I can go home? Will I have learned anything? Will I have changed at all? Will I continue to regret those same things or will I had tried harder to change? So, what do I regret? I regret not being exactly obedient, and I especially regret that that's still something I'm struggling with. I regret not lifting and loving my companions more in the moment, not studying preach my gospel more/not knowing the doctrines and lessons well enough. regret not talking with everyone, especially on the streets. Sometimes I even regret things like not journaling as much as i should, or being happier (especially in my first few transfers). BUT, dwelling on these regrets is useless. It's important to recognize where change is needed, but dwelling is dangerous and, because of Christ, unnecessary. That's what the zone leaders tried to teach us with their workshop. After we thought about our regrets we went outside where we found a pile of weights symbolizing our mission regrets. We were asked to pick something to carry. The zone leaders were originally going to assign certain weights to people, but we ended up choosing our own, which an elder pointed out, was perfect seeing how we often weigh ourselves down. We choose to let ourselves be burdened by our past regrets and mistakes, not those around us, and definitely not Heavenly Father. So we walk around the church building with our weights in hand. There was so much symbolism in this entire experience, it was so awesome. I loved how we were all together. We all had different weights, but we were all together. Sometimes I forget that I'm not the only missionary here or anywhere who struggles, and believe it of not, we all struggle with a lot of the same things. It was cool to visualize that, to see all of us carrying our own weight but knowing that everyone in that entire group was carrying weight too. No one was exempt. We walked back into the church and ended where we started, only this time there was a cardboard cut
out of the Christus statute we have in the VC. As we walked into the room, elder Hansen instructed us, "lay it at his feet." So that's what we did. We walked up to the statue of Christ and handed over our burdens. We walked away lighter and grateful, while He took on the load we were each carrying. Not half of it, all of it. The power of the atonement is real. I'm so grateful for Jesus Christ, and I'm especially grateful for this experience I had that has helped me change as a missionary and as a person. These are the type of experiences that make these 18 months worth it entirely.
thursday this week was weird. i cried all day, and for no good reason. i just cried. this was when i was on exchanges with sister sottili. i can't remember when it started, but i do remember that she had told me she spent some of her personal study time studying FOR ME! okaaaay, nicest person ever! and then she just said an amazing prayer that morning, and then this & that, and i just kept crying. and it wasn't like the sad, this is too hard cry, it was just a half feeling the spirit, half overwhelmed/stressed, half happy cry
so we have these benches here at the VC that habitually, all the sisters sit on during shift. there have been times when i've looked back and seen all the sisters sitting there looking like they are dead tired, sick of everything and everyone, and hating life. i've vowed to not sit on the couch anymore, and ever since i've told myself that, i haven't!!! it's been so so great! i haven't necessarily seen any miraculous miracles because of it, but i have felt more productive and felt like a better missionary. because i didn't sit on the bench one day, i was able to help one of the newer sisters work on her new sister training and even talk with her about obedience and being truly dedicated as a missionary. it was so cool, she just decided to go into a teaching room for a few minutes because she decided she needed to pray. she had been thinking about how she hasn't been the best she could be and she wanted to change that. i related and we were able to really help each other feel motivated to change. i'm so grateful for the example of so many around me. while others are perhaps being the example in the opposite direction, there are sisters who want to be more dedicated and obedient, and that helps me. i also started to reflect on the day i cried so much and was reminded of the 40 day fast. i felt like a HUGE failure with that, but i started to think about this new shift i've been having, this one of dedication and change. perhaps the results of my 40 day fast were a little after the actual experience of fasting for 40 days. that actually happens often for me. like when i go to the temple, i rarely have a super inspirational experience inside, but rather it's afterwards when i am reflecting again or a miracle happens that i am able to recognize that the temple played a part in that.
i had another one of those 1/7 touches moment at the vc. sometimes it's hard to say goodbye to someone knowing that you tried to offer them everything they could ever want in their life, but they decline it. they had come in just randomly because they had driven past the temple for many years and this time they decided to stop in. i taught them about the temple and testified, but in the end they weren't interested in learning more. they were happy with what they have already. the worst is when you try to explain to someone that there is a special spirit here in the vc and they then attribute it to you calling you charming or whatever. it's like, noooo - it's not me! it's the spirit! say yes to missionaries! you won't regret it! but everyone has their agency and i have to be okay with that. and i am. i'm okay with the fact that people come and go and i may never know how i helped them until the next life.
another highlight: seeing fireflies for the second time in my entire life! magic at it's finest.
thanks for the emails this week! i was flooded with goodness from friends & family (and thanks for the letter from amy too!!)! Ah, it just makes me so happy to hear from everyone.
LOVE YOU SO MUCHHHH!!!!!!
love, sister rowley
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